In honour of Matthew McConaughey's early days and Kate Hudson's inability to get cast in decent roll since Almost Famous, I'd like to provide an instructional guide for people who want to have a bad time at a strip club:
How to Lose a Stripper (read: High-Powered, Self-Respecting Woman in a Hurry) in 10 Seconds:
Ask her age. Better yet, GUESS! Be sure to vocalize your hypothesis with everyone within earshot - especially the woman whose age is in question. Be that asshole at the carnival who guesses age and weight, and if you don’t have a prize that’s fuzzy and plushy waiting to gift her when you’re WRONG, she might up and leave even faster!
Ask how much money she makes! If you try to make yourself seem like less of an ass by quickly following up with “On average,” don’t worry, she will still walk away!
Tell her that her stage name is coincidentally your mother’s name. She already has enough laundry to do.
Tell her you’d love a dance, but if she’d wait a minute so you can go to the men’s room to switch into your sweatpants and rearrange the boner you’ve been sporting all night.
Ask her out for coffee! (Lose her even faster if you ask this before you even give her any money!)
Don’t offer her a drink!
Don’t make eye contact with her - ever! Especially when she puts out her hand to introduce herself! Be sure your eyes are fixed on Sports Center and she’ll be gone in a flash!
Talk about how much money you make!
Lie to her - tell her that you hate strip clubs, that you don’t usually visit them, in spite of the fact that you are in that very moment sitting in a fucking strip club, all by your damn self on a Tuesday night!
And there you have it! How to alienate yourself from Enterprising Goddesses in ten easy steps!
(originally posted on www.thesapphicstripper.com )