Man Camp is a pretty fucking depressing place. I look out at the grey skies from my basement hotel room window and don’t want to go outside for fear of being honked at by half-tonne trucks whizzing by.
The money is good, but on all other accounts I’d probably rather try to make it to second base with Edward Scissorhands than deal with these Rig Pigs for another week.
I mean look at him! He’s brooding, beautiful, sensitive and soft-spoken… and such a beautiful contrast to those with whom I’ve been jager-bombing for the past eleven days:
Today, in my morning funk, I got out of bed before noon (highly uncommon for this particular breed of Man Camp stripper) and made a resolution to turn my frown upside-down. I would take myself shopping.
Most stores in and around Man Camp are for hunting equipment and beer. There is, however, one place where all the emo kids go to get purple hair dye and studded belts. I was hoping I would run into Canadian rural style icon, Avril Lavigne, but apparently she’s busy with the Kardashians these days, so, unfortunately, I didn’t see her.
(I’m still a bit bummed about that)
What I DID see, under the counter, was exactly what I was looking for:
Dog Attack Deterrent Spray is also known as pepper spray or mace, and I’ve wanted my own little aerosol can of BACK OFF, MOTHERFUCKER for years. I first noticed it on the key chains of all the local girls at the club. I asked the bartender one afternoon, “Hey, is that cotton candy breath freshener?”
“Not quite. It’s pepper spray, but because they market it as a device for the defense against dogs, it’s easier to come by and totally legal, unless you have a criminal record.”
The men who are worthy of a spritz are dogs, anyway, so I think it’s a totally appropriate title for the product.
The only shortcoming of my latest girl-power purchase is that it only comes in Barbie pink. As much as I hate the colour of Pepto Bismol, I love the idea of spraying the shit out of an attacker even more.
“You got the last one,” the shop owner tells me as I slide $25 across the counter and stuff my new favourite toy into my purse. Apparently there are a lot of unleashed aggressive dogs in Man Camp.