You know what I miss?

I miss old Aussie men who would continually call me “SENSATIONAL.” Whenever I would drop trow and bend over, they’d saunter up to the stage as I grab my ankles, and they’d whisper in a sweet singsong to me between my legs, “You’re just senSAtional, Iris.” And then they’d stimulate my garter belt with a 5, 10, 20 or occasionally 50 dollar note.

I miss those days.

American men say, “NICE TITS. ARE THEY REAL? HOT ASS. NICE SKIN.”

You see, American strip-club goers can’t manage to share a compliment that would require a polysyllabic utterance.

And you know what’s happened to me since I moved to the states? It’s gotten so bad that I’ve had to write myself a memo:

Since I moved back here, I also started hanging out with a lot of stoners. I choose to blame them.

I need an alternative term of endearment that doubles as a statement of bewilderment. Any suggestions?

www.thesapphicstripper.com