And I have the audacity to call myself a stripper when I’ve NEVER. SEEN. STRIPTEASE.

I know. It’s committing sacrilege to the g-string Goddesses.

I’ve seen Showgirls. I’ve watched, on repeat, every music video featuring Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera from 1998 - 2004. Everyone knows I’m obsessed with nudity and dancing and money and babes.

SO WHY THE FUCK HAVE I NEVER SEEN THIS MOVIE?

I will be collecting several thousand Frequent Flyer points tomorrow so I’m going to use the time constructively by watching it in the airport lounge.

But, for now, I’m going to watch the trailer and cast my predictions:

Demi seems to be grappling with paying off the lawyer’s legal fees. Her lawyer, a power lesbian, offers Demi a sixteen-hour session of finger-banging to pay her debt. Demi obliges, only to discover that the power dyke is a con and is usually employed by Disney Land as Mulan and Donald Duck, interchangeably.

Rather than going to Wal Mart for a refund on her boob job, Demi follows in her stepmother’s footsteps and becomes a stripper.

At the club, Demi meets Burt Reynolds. She is inspired to take on a singing career and become a whore in Texas.

In Texas, Demi’s douche husband tries to kidnap her and her daughter but she suffocates him with her boobs in a peep-show booth.

Demi decides to become a paralegal. She and her collection of grey pencil skirts live happily ever after. On weekends she enters her daughter in toddler pageants.

www.thesapphicstripper.com