Do you know a stripper? If you’re reading this, you probably do. Do you need to buy her something special for the Christmakwanzakkah season and this bitch buys everything she wants the second she realizes that she wants it and it seems as though there is nothing left to get her?

I got some tips, y’all:

A Massage. Or if you want in on some sensual fun, too, then a couples’ massage. Or buy massage oil and actually give her a massage. Other gifts that a stripper wouldn’t kick out of the bed for eating crackers are body scrubs, manicures, pedicures, and facials.

…and not cum-on-her-face facials. SPA FACIALS. With mud and cucumbers. I’ve added a photo just in case there is any confusion:

Let us be buffed and kneaded by a non-sexual-predator and we will be eternally grateful.

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For whatever fucked up reason, strippers steal from their comrades. Makeup, Blackberries, a bag of carrot sticks with ranch dressing… so get your favourite pole-spinner a portable anti-theft device this holiday season!

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As a full-time titty-shaker, sometimes I forget to buy things like BRIEFS or any kind of undergarment that doesn’t cut my cunt in half… I like to call them ‘Real Girl’ Underwear. And I will bet you a Washington that your stripper friend doesn’t have enough of these:

But they gotta be a sexy. Don’t buy her granny panties. Use the example above, featuring the sheerly-covered badonkadonk of Scarlett Johansson and get your ass on over to to Sears.

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Showgirls VIP Edition DVD, with a making-of documentary and booklet as bonus features (!!!)

Because it’s a horrible movie. Perhaps the worst movie ever made. And we can’t not want to watch it.

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Things to NOT get us:

Carmen Elektra Strip-Workout DVD. This DVD is a farce. Carmen Elektra moves like a bloodless reality-tv star (OMG) and it’s suggesting that we need to work on fine-tuning our craft. Never tell a stripper she’s a bad dancer. Because she’s probably not.

Anything in Latex. That shit makes you SWEAT. It’s uncomfortable and impossible to peel off with any grace and/or sex appeal.

A Toaster Oven. Because no one should ever buy anyone a toaster over for Christmas. Unless you want them to break up with you.

(originally published on www.thesapphicstripper.com)